Rodney Dangerfield

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose.
Last night she used me to time an egg.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose.
Last night she used me to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married.
My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door.
She was wearing a sexy negligee.
The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said:
"Come on over. There's nobody home."
I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor.
It was self service.

I knew a girl so ugly,
they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook,
if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly
I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked.
I asked him, "Why?"
He said, "Because you came home early".

My wife is such a bad cook,
in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex;
she called me from Chicago last night.